I may have talked about this before (probably have but I'm not bothered to go through all 73 blog posts;) but this talks about 2 events which are the only interesting thing about my life. First was when I was 6 and the second was when I was 10.

So my brother (the less annoying one) just entered reception and one of his classmates was hosting a birthday party at their new house. I tagged along because what else could I do? Stay at home in a completely diffrent city? Although something about the house was it was a wreck and it was still being renovated. I got bored as nobody I knew was there so I got curious and started to wonder around. Mum and Dad were busy talking to the other parents about boring crap at the snacks bar and so didn't notice I was missing. I found this old swimming pool at the back that was full of dark green sludge. So me being the genius child I was: I walked into it. It was cold as hell and fricking gross (and also heavy?) I got halfway before realising:

"Huh, I can't touch the floor. And I can't swim. Shit."

I started to scream and fling my arms around like a maniac. Mum very quickly heard me and pulled me out. There was a little crowd of the adults she was talking to looking at me with the expression of "why the hell did you do that you absolute idiot." I had to wash off in the bath except they hadn't installed the hot water yet so it wasn't helping the fact I was freezing my ass off. Mum and Dad were going on about how "I was being very stupid" and "how I could have died" and all. Ya know the whole "I'm not mad just disappointed" thing. I had to borrow some clothes from the hosts and we quickly left after that. I told this story a couple years later to Mum and she said that I fell in but lets be honest: no I didn't. Even as a braindead 6 year old I'm not that clumsy.

The second time was when our car broke down so it was in the garage; and we had to go somewhere in Dad's van (I think it was to another birthday party? All I remember about the place is that it had a big and mostly empty car park.) Now this wasn't your generic van with it's 10 seats in. This was one of those vans you move boxes in the back in (Dad runs his own chemical company and has to do deliveries sometimes.) There was only 3 seats at the front and there was 5 of us so Mum and I sat in desk chairs at the back. Was this legal? No definitely not. But it was better than putting my brother in the footwell when we did school runs (the space was very cramped and felt like being in a human sandwich of feet and wall.) There was this fire extinguisher on this ledge thing that was used for storage. It was on the thick wall that divided us and my brothers with Dad. Considering there was no windows in the van except this tiny hole and I didn't have a phone back then; I was very bored. So me being the bored idiot I was, I would amuse myself by watching the fire extinguisher rattle around on the dividing wall.

Do you see the problem here?

Dad ran over a speed bump and the extinguisher fell out of it's socket and activated at the back of the van. The next 10 seconds was a pure panic. Mum was banging on the dividing wall to pull over, Dad and my brothers were just sitting there very calmly as they pulled over on some random country road, I was just sitting there with my eyes closed and my nose plugged excepting that this was my fate.

If you want to know what it's like to suffocate to carbon dioxide, it doesn't hurt in that sense, it's like being underwater, but dry. You physically can't breathe and you can feel the weight of the air. You can feel the air make your throat, eyes and skin sting which is why you should hold your cough in as you'll just inhale more of the Co2. It's not pleasant and you shouldn't go try it yourself as you can easily die within half a minute. Luckily me and Mum got out in time and we just sat there outside as Dad tried to turn off the fire extinguisher. Now you would think that something like this would be traumatising, but I was so goddamm bored seeing the extinguisher sliding across the floor was entertaining. Although I always keep reciting both of those days in roughly the same way to myself and I don't know why. That's how I explained it in such detail.

I don't remember how we got there, Mum said we just back in again once all the air was cleared but I remember seeing the winter wonderland (my exact words) at the car park of all that foam just sitting there. After that whenever we needed to go somewhere we would just take a taxi but eventually we got 2 cars so that was less of an issue now if 1 breaks down.

Although both events happened roughly 4 years in between each other so there's a chance there's some kind of reoccurring pattern where I almost die to my own stupidity every 4 years until I eventually die (I am a superstitious person don't judge me.) And it's been 4 years since the whole fire extinguisher thing happened so if my theory is true then at some point between now and my 15th birthday in 4 months I'll go touch grass and fuck myself over in the process. So if I don't upload a blog post in the next 3 days then assume I'm dead and my computer will be passed down to my non annoying brother.